Showing UP for Sophia: Separate Ways

A friend checked in with me asking if John and I had talked. We had. We came to a compromise. She asked if I was happy with the plan.

I’m not happy, but… I know it needs to happen. I know we need to be the trusted adults Sophia needs. We need to show up for her. It’s not about us, beyond how our co-parenting will impact her life.

I want to be fair. I know what it feels like to grow up in a home where fairness didn’t exist further than my mother’s expectations. When I realized I was slowly morphing into my mother for fear of disappearing in the relationship, I addressed it. He eventually addressed his concerns and we found ourselves at a point of no return. So now we’re trying to partner another way for a different reason, our child.

But how can we when he’s been putting plans in motion since November? Plans that involve him taking her to his home state of Illinois. Plans he made without my knowledge. We live in California. She’d be 1,807 miles away, and two hours ahead. She’s three and has never been away from me for more than four days at a time and only twice in her life. I’ve been her primary caregiver.

None of this makes me happy.

I want John and I to co-parent and be there equally for our child, but being in different states makes this pursuit feel near impossible. There’s bound to be lots of adjusting and learning to trust each other. Through our back and forth rants of words, trying to convince the other what’s best for Sophia, we discovered we have the same fear of disappointing each other. He gave in, often. Even when, especially when, he felt I’d fume if I didn’t get my way.

I fumed when he told me this, then quickly apologized.

He wasn’t wrong about the possibility of me fuming in the past. I definitely would’ve, but knowing I could’ve made different choices makes me wish I would’ve known sooner. I understand why he didn’t tell me, especially after he shared stories about the ways in which I reacted or overreacted. I usually ignored the truth and shamed him for “bringing up the past”. Not this time. I want us to be better, for her and for us.

I don’t want him to give in, and I don’t want to be the bully who doesn’t bend. I know how when given the chance, and if the reason makes sense. His does.

He wants Sophia to know his family. The last and only time we visited the place he called home from twelve to his mid-thirties was shortly after she was born. It was during the presidential election and Trump signs were lined on lawns in the one stop-light town. We celebrated Sophia’s first three months of life in a music store near her Big Guy’s college stomping grounds. Everywhere we went, he proudly introduced us to family and friends. They were warm and welcoming that even with our apparent differences, I felt fortunate that they were his family.

Until recently. Now that he wants to leave and live with family she only knows as strangers, I can’t help but realize the amount of distance that’s been between his family and I since the visit. Some are friends on Facebook, others were and have since disappeared, but none have reached out. Does it matter? Should it matter? If she’s going to their neck of the woods, without me, shouldn’t it? Who am I to them? How will they talk about me? I’m still her mother and she’s most impressionable right now, learning from her peers and caregivers with every interaction. I know how my family feels about John and what they say about him, especially around her. They love and respect him through and through. They also know him. Trusting John to move her miles away goes beyond physical distance. I’m trusting him and his family not to create a distance emotionally between us too.

This isn’t a decision we’ve come to lightly. It’s taken us two months to get real and talk about our breakup. Living under the same roof while going through the motions has been challenging. We take our turns sleeping on the couch, and do our best to share time with Sophia for the other to work. We’re co-parenting better than ever. I finally have the partner I wanted. He’s more attentive and playful with Sophia, and checks in with me daily about my schedule. While our living situation hasn’t been ideal, it’s been helpful. I’ve realized what makes him a wonderful father and why it’s important to keep him in her world, while being part of it at the same time. I’m trusting we can find a state to compromise and call home. A place where we both live out our dream jobs while sharing time with Sophia in a way that makes it fair for all. But until then, we’ll share what we can, how we can.

She’ll be leaving for Illinois at the end of February and will return to me at the end of March. A month on, a month off until we find a better solution. During his month, he’ll settle into his family’s home, help out at a friend’s business, and get back on his feet while introducing our daughter to his first family. At the same time, I'll be getting back to work, saving money, and securing a new place to live for me and Sophia. I never imagined being a single mother again, especially at 44, but here I am, and this time… I’m ready to be the mother my child needs, no matter how many miles try to separate us.