Forever, My Lady?

Listening to Jodeci’s 1991 Forever My Lady and taken back to a man who dedicated the song to me in 1994. We met at work and fell fast in love, lust? Both, we were 18 & 21.

He wrote poems and letters and promised me always, in all ways — to be my lover and my friend. Until I needed one.

Months into our relationship, I became pregnant and didn’t want to move in with him because of it. He asked why.

“It’s important that we’re friends first.”

“If I want a friend, I’ll go to summer camp.”

Then he hung up the phone and didn’t call back. We didn’t last long. I wasn’t surprised.

I knew the moment his actions broke his lines: “There’s nothing more precious, than to raise a family” — “I can’t go to your OB appointment, I’ll have a friend in town.”

“You and I, will never fall apart” — “I told you I was on the way.” You told me what, when? “Marcella? Yeah, remember yesterday? I told you we’d get lunch?”

“Forever my lady, I say just what I mean” — When questioned, he denied everything. “No, I’m not seeing anyone, she’s a friend.”

He made me fear my mother was right about men, they were cheaters, liars, and incapable of being friends with a woman. Harry said it to Sally, generations have been buying and selling it for years, including me.

For decades I dated and married around this fear. Forget friendship, if I wanted a man to be my forever, I’d have to cater to his forever needs. Media says so, religious books dictate, and police reports verify.

Was he right? Have I been wrong? Can a man promise forever if he’s not guaranteed a sense of control? Why was it necessary for me to live with the father of my first daughter? We were still getting to know each other and “playing house” didn’t feel right for me. I needed us to be real and want it. Neither of us did before the news of the baby. Why after?

My attempt to take time, lost him forever. Makes me wonder if I had known not to take it personally or attach his pain and my fear to every person I’ve dated since, would I have felt so alone in every relationship?

He didn’t want a friend.

I needed one.

Then, now, forever.