Just a Little Crush

Whether due to bad timing or Venus in retrograde, lately I’ve wanted to show up differently for my Inside Kid and right our wrongs. Specifically when it comes to the people she’s had crushes on. Since music is her favorite way to communicate, I asked my Inside Kid to DJ my Pandora app. Sitting in my bedroom, my Inside Kid hits shuffle and a song from Alpha plays.

“Surely you know, what I’ve been dying to say…”

The song lyrics take me back to seventh grade when my brother’s friend Rueben claimed to have the biggest crush on me. While I was flattered, I wasn’t interested but… I was curious to see how he would pursue me, so I let him.

One afternoon I overheard him ask my brother if he knew where I was. When my brother answered angrily and accused his friend of “being weird”, Rueben defended that he was “just curious”. But unlike me, his curiosity wanted more of me. I just wanted more of his curiosity.

For the first time I knew a boy liked me and wanted to know why. What did he see in me? Could I see something back in him? I never did, even after attempting to “go out” with him. I don’t remember it lasting long. Especially after he tried to kiss me. Gross.

Ironically, his crush on me then reminds me of my recent crush. Sure she ghosted my last message, for whatever reason she still watches my Instagram stories. Maybe she had no clue she was my crush. Maybe I was the first woman who ever liked her and she was curious to see what I’d do. Maybe she was curious about my curiosity and wanted to see how far I would’ve taken it. I gotta say, had I lived closer or had known her when I lived in San Diego, I would’ve been a lot more like my school crush and pulled out all the stops.

Perhaps that’s why I live miles away? To save myself from even more embarrassment. Oh Karma, thank you for not making a total fool out of me over just a little crush.

And Rueben, I knew better than to fuck with your feelings but I did it anyway. Not cool. I’m sorry. We’re sorry — me and my Inside Kid.